Soul Calibur 4: Of Swords and Stupidity
by Insider2000
Summary: An adventure where all the stars of Soul Calibur 4 come together for one final game. Unfortunately, this is a comedy. Rated M for language, sexual themes, and Voldo. Yes, Voldo...
1. Intro

A blonde girl slowly stands in front of the audience.

"Hello. My name is Diana. I have nothing to do with the Soul Calibur series, however, I will be somewhat of a major character in this story. How so? You'll see."

"I'm here to explain a few things. First, this is a comedy. Toilet humor, sexual humor, and cruel humor is abundant. So if you have issues with that, please leave." Diana waits a few seconds. Suddenly, a person in the audience bursts out of the room.

"I don't wanna die!"

Diana continues. "Another thing I must mention, for plot purposes, is 'Team Ups'. Much like Soul Calibur 4 itself, characters will team up in the storyline. These 'Team Ups' will be mentioned, posted, and explained. This is done because Soul Calibur 4 has a large amount of characters."

"Before I say anything, Darth Vader and Yoda will not be major characters in the story. The Apprentice will have an appearance. And the manga characters have no plot plans so far. This story will be mostly based off of the real Soul Calibur characters."

"So please, grab a chair and relax. Enjoy the show!" Diana rushed behind a curtain.


	2. Chapter 1: Legion of Doom

"Gentlemen…" A loud spark of thunder roared across the room. "Behold! My lair of evil!" Nightmare cackled wildly. He suddenly stopped once he noticed nobody else was laughing. "Very well. Let's sit down and speak."

Nightmare sat down in front of a pile of papers. He put on a monocle and began reading. "I've gathered the villains of Soul Calibur to bring up the upcoming game. Namco claims that Soul Calibur 4 will be the 'final' Soul Calibur. Whether or not that statement is bullshit, we do expect a lot of people to 'die'."

Nightmare slowly lowered the papers. "Wait a minute…" He lifted his deformed hand and pointed towards Sophitia. "What the hell is she doing here?"

"It's complicated. Let's just say I need to destroy Soul Calibur."

"But you're an enemy!"

"Shut up! I'm a bad guy now! Just deal with it!"

Night covered his face in annoyance. "Does anyone have a question?" Ivy raised her hand.

"I understand why Sophitia is here….but why the hell am I here? I mean, look at the people in here." Ivy looked across the room. "We have Voldo over there." Voldo made a pose the second he was pointed out. "Astaroth."

"That's right, bitch!"

"Tira…"

"Oh, Mistah N. It's so good to see you again." Tira giggled loudly, until he angry persona took over. "LET'S KILL SOME PUPPIES!"

"And……Darth Vader?"

Nightmare turned his head quickly. "WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY? No Star Wars characters in my lair of evil!"

Darth Vader splashed the papers around him in a tantrum. "I hate you guys!" He marched out.

Ivy continued. "I don't get it. I want to DESTROY Soul Edge. I shouldn't be on your side at all. Why am I positioned next to you on the 'evil' PS3 Soul Calibur 4 cover?"

"Because you touch yourself night, Ivy. I don't know or care! All that matters is that you're working for me."

Ivy folded her arms in annoyance. Astaroth suddenly raised his hand. Nightmare nodded as he tried to take a sip of tea. "You're not going to steal our souls, right?"

Nightmare's monocle jumped off his face and into his teacup. Nightmare stared in worry. "Oh course not! Why would I do something like that?"

Astaroth wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Thank goodness."

Nightmare slammed the table. "But the four of you have a job to do. Voldo, Ivy, Astaroth,……..Sophitia….. I need you guys to spy on the 'good guys'. Understand." Everyone gently nodded.

Tira tapped Nightmare's shoulder. "But Boss. What will we….hang on for a second. I have something in my throat." Tira coughed loudly. He evil side took over. "DEATH IS FUNNY!" She coughed again, and she was back to normal. "There we go. What will we do if the new game has an new, abstract final boss that somehow had connection to both Soul Edge and Soul Calibur in his past life?"

"Tira. Honestly! What are the chances of that?" There was a deep silence throughout the room. "Even if that were to happen, there's a good chance he won't be as cheap as Abyss."

Ivy took a deep breath. "Thank God for that."

"Alright. Get to work you slobs!" Astaroth jumped up and cheered. He rushed off triumphantly. Voldo rolled up into a ball and slowly rolled after Astaroth.

Sophitia and Ivy stood next to each other as they left. Both were immensely pissed off.

Tira suddenly jumped and hugged Nightmare. "Sweetie! I have a surprise for you. It starts with the letter 'S'."

"Please let it be 'sex'."

"Nope. We're going 'shoe shopping'!" Tira grabbed Nightmare's arm and rushed off.

Nightmare softly talked to himself. "I want to say I have a better time when I had control of Siegfried…but who am I kidding? The guy went to the 'hair salon' day after day…" Nightmare suddenly turned his head towards a window. Cervantes was staring through it in tears with an old boom box radio blasting "I'm All Out of Love" by Air Supply.

"Damn it, old man! You know I hate 'Air Supply'! And no, I'm not coming back to you." Cervantes covered his face and cried hard. He slowly walked away. "This is why I became an separate entity. So I didn't have to be a giant sword that assholes carried around!"


	3. Chapter 2: Clothes Off

Ivy, Sophitia, Astaroth, and Voldo hid behind a massive bush. Ivy stared out quietly. "Guys. Kilik is coming!"

Kilik walked across the field whistling to himself. Suddenly, Setsuka jumped in front of him. Kilik raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you with something?"

"I have chosen to randomly duel you!" Setsuka drew her blade and smiled devilishly.

The two randomly fought like maniacs. Ivy looked towards the others. "When they get tired, we jump them! Got it?"

Kilik and Setsuka fought only, until Kilik made a suddenly strike. It was a perfect hit and a loud shatter could be heard. Setsuka's top broke off, revealing her bra. Setsuka screamed and covered her chest. "What the hell?"

Talim walked past the two. "Hey, Talim." Talim turned.

"Yes, Kilik?"

"I just suddenly broke Setsuka's clothes off!"

"Oh yeah, that's a new ability in Soul Calibur 4. You can now break armor off."

Setsuka smiled. "Really?" Setsuka swiped her sword across Kilik, ripping off his shirt. "This is awesome!" Kilik suddenly destroyed the rest of her dress, revealing her thong.

"Everybody! Join in!" Xianghua, Yun Seong, Seong Mina, Taki, Mitsurugi, and Maxi appeared out of nowhere. All began attacking each other in attempt to take off their clothes. Music loudly played as if they were all in a party.

"Oh good lord!" Ivy stared in complete shock. Sophitia and Astaroth peeked through the bush.

"What's the matter Ivy?" Sophitia got a clear look. "Oh my God….THIS IS HOT!"

Ivy nodded her head in disgust. "Look at them all dry humping each other."

Sophitia looked towards Ivy. "You honestly don't want to join in?"

Ivy looked back towards her. "No. I'd rather capture Kilik, Siegfried, and Yun Seong. Strip them naked and put them in bondage, and then molest them while they whimper, cry, and scream in fear." Astaroth slowly looked towards Ivy in horror.

Sophitia smiled. "Damn, Ivy! Can we do that? That sounds awesome!" Astaroth looked towards Sophitia in horror.

"I am leaving." Astaroth slowly walked away. "You coming with me, Vold…" Voldo was suddenly on his back, humping the air. "I'm…I'm not even going to LET you come with me." Astaroth left, nodding his head in disgust. Voldo suddenly rushed away, not following Astaroth.

Sophitia looked towards Ivy. "I want to destroy Soul Calibur!"

Ivy smiled. "And I want to destroy Soul Edge!"

Sophitia started jumping in excitement. "You know what this means?"

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

**Team Sexy Cougars:**

**Ivy**

**Sophitia**

**Goal: Destroy Soul Edge, destroy Soul Calibur, molest and rape Kilik, Maxi, and Siegfried.**

* * *

The two gave each other a high five. The lady of light and the lady of dark have just become friends.


	4. Chapter 3: Important People

As Siegfried walked the forest alone, thoughts lingered in his mind. He dragged Soul Calibur as he walked.

"I must atone for my sins. I must destroy my dark half…"

Suddenly, a massive army appeared across the forest. They all cheered, "The Azure Knight shall face his end!" All the soldiers lifted their blade in the air. "For Wolfkrone!" The soldiers began rushing in a direction.

Siegfried stopped suddenly. "The army of Wolfkrone? They are in search of the Azure Knight as well? Why would they….. Wait a second. The direction their going….THEIR GONNA FALL OFF THE NEARBY CLIFF!" Siegfried began rushing towards them. "WAIT! There's a cliff there!"

The soldiers rushed out of the forest, and suddenly off a cliff where they all fell to their deaths. Siegfried reached the cliff. He stood over. "Oh….that's never good." Suddenly, a female stood next to him. She called down in fury.

"IDIOTS! I said flank east! Not west! MY GOD you guys are morons." The girl looked up toward the sky in futility. "And now you're all dead… Wonderful. If you want something done right, do it yourself." She slowly looked towards Siegfried. "Who are you?"

"Um…..My name is Siegfried."

"And you wield Soul Calibur."

"Yes…I MEAN…How did you know this is Soul Calibur?"

"It's a giant, blue, icy sword. What else would it be? Honestly, have you seen any other blade look like that?"

"Well that doesn't matter. I wield the one thing that can destroy the Azure Knight!"

"Why do people keep calling him that? His name is Nightmare!"

"Well…I thought…."

"My name is Hilde. And, considering the fact that we have the same goal, I assume I was created as a love interest for you so that pairing fans can go berserk."

"Um….Okay." Siegfried scratched his head in confusion.

"Not very good with words are you? I suggest we pair up."

"…..Pair up….as in a couple….or pair up as a team?"

"Oh please. There is no romance in Soul Calibur!"

"What about Kilik and Xianghua?"

"Those two have been together for four games now, and not once have they done anything 'romantic'!"

"Look. Let's just hurry up, find Nightmare, and kill him. Okay?" The minute Siegfried finished that sentence, the two heard a vibration coming from the trees.

"Soul Calibur shall be mine!" Raphael leaped from the tree and flew towards Siegfried. Siegfried took a step to the right, and Raphael nearly fell off the cliff. Instead, he was dangling by a foot off the cliff. "Sweet Jesus! Help me!"

Hilde and Siegfried looked at each other. "We should keep him alive. He's needed for the story." The two helped him up.

Raphael took several deep breaths. "Thank you kindly. For such kindness, I request that you give me Soul Calibur…"

"No."

"DAMNIT! Why not!?" Raphael slammed his foot on the ground. "I need it to create a world for myself…….and Amy."

Hilde tilted her head. "Who's Amy?"

Amy suddenly appeared right next to her. "I'm Amy."

"AAAAAAGHH! Where the Hell did you come from!?"

Raphael cleaned himself up. "Forgive me, but if you do not give me Soul Calibur, I will be forced to kill you."

Siegfried readied his sword. "I need this sword to kill Nightmare."

"You mean the Azure Knight?" Raphael thought for a second. "Can we make a deal?"

"What kind of deal is it?"

Raphael put his blade away. "If you were to successfully kill Nightmare, you would have no further need of Soul Calibur, yes?"

"True."

"After you kill Nightmare, would you let me have the sword?"

"For what purposes?"

"Oh…no good reason. Match the furniture in my blue room, make me feel beautiful…" Raphael lowered his voice. "Use it for world domination."

Hilde interrupted him. "What was that last one?"

"Nothing! Say, you guys wanna travel together? These forests sure are frightening!"

Hilde and Siegfried looked towards each other. Hilde looked towards Raphael. "Give us one second." The two whispered to each other. Eventually they turned. "One condition. We split up before we reach Nightmare."

Raphael nods. "It's a deal. There's a fork in the road eventually if we keep walking through this forest." Raphael clapped his hands. "SERVANTS!" A whole bunch of strange looking people fell from the trees. "These are my servants."

Siegfried looked towards one. "Does one of them have a wolf head?"

"Yes. That would be Auguste. Poor fellow. It's a horrible disease called "Wolf Trauma". It's fatal you know."

Hilde covered his mouth. "Oh my lord!"

"No. I'm kidding. It's actually an STD. About as harmful as genital warts." Siegfried and Hilde looked towards each other in horror. "Let us begin this adventure of…SOUL CALIBUR 3!"

A strange servant tapped Raphael's shoulder. "Um. Sir, this is Soul Calibur 4."

Raphael turned and slashed his throat. "Silence! I was not IN Soul Calibur 1, so hence, this is Soul Calibur 3!" He looked towards the other servants. "Anyone else?" All of them nodded. "Very well. On with the journey!"

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

**Team Important People**

**Siegfried**

**Hilde**

**Raphael**

**Amy**

**Goal: Eventually split up. Defeat Nightmare. Give Soul Calibur to Raphael.** **Seek world domination.**

* * *

"Who put that last comment on the goals?" Raphael laughed in fear. "Very funny!" He looked around in hopes that nobody noticed.


	5. Chapter 4: Plot Development!

As the half clothed orgy ended, three friends finally reunited.

Kilik was fully dressed. "Maxi! Long time no see."

Maxi smiled. "Good to be back!"

Xianghua scratched her head. "Didn't you die?"

"No." Maxi shrugged. "Have you guys heard? There's this new thing called 'Critical Finish'."

"What it is?"

"You know how we were all breaking off our clothes? Well if you hit a person enough times, a red dust bursts off of us. At that time, you're supposed to perform something cool."

Kilik readied his staff. "Wanna try it?"

"SURE!" The two prepared the move. Maxi proceeded to block constantly. Eventually, Kilik broke Maxi's guard. With one quick movement, Kilik performed a move that he had never done before.

"Now I'll show you!" Kilik's staff burned with fury. The staff crushed Maxi's skull into the floor.

"That was freaking cool!" Xianghua clapped.

"Seriously! Maxi. What did you think?" Maxi didn't move. "Maxi?" Kilik reached for Maxi. He felt no pulse. "Oh my God! He's dead!"

"Again?" Xianghua checked herself.

"YES! Again!"

"Kilik! Shut up for a minute! We have to think where to hide his body!"

Kilik started crying. "I killed my best friend!"

"Kilik, I swear to God…" Suddenly, a blonde woman appeared behind Kilik. "Um. Hello?"

The woman smiled. "Hello. My name is Diana."

Kilik and Xianghua looked at each other in confusion. "Um….good for you?"

"I have the power to bring the dead back to life."

"How do you do that?" Diana suddenly snapped her fingers.

Maxi stood up. "Whoa!"

Kilik jumped back. "You're not dead!"

Maxi laughed. "Ha! I'm not!" His face went from a smile to a frown. "You killed me…."

Xianghua ignored the two of them. "Diana. Why are you here?"

"I'm entirely made for plot purposes. I'm here to insure that no one dies, just like Excel Saga." Diana checked her watch. "Oh. And here comes plot interference in three….two….o~" A massive hurricane appeared out of no where, sending the four of them flying in different directions. "Crap. Seriously should have left the three before the hurricane came." Diana crashed into several trees. "Ow…splinter…"

* * *

The hurricane greatly ravaged the land. Somehow, the land left behind from the hurricane had turned into a tower surrounded by molten rock.

Miles away, Siegfried and company hear the sound of the destruction. "What was that?"

Raphael clapped his hands. "Servants! Take the blame for my fart!"

* * *

Even further, an all-knowing force senses great danger. Yoda stands tall. "A disturbance in the force…I sense." Suddenly, a young girl pushes down Yoda.

"I sense a disturbance in the wind." Talim looks off into the distance with great sadness.

Yoda stands up with an aching spine. "The wind? Are you kidding me?"

Diana suddenly stands next to him. "I'm sorry Yoda. As stated, no Star Wars characters."

"Weren't you just in that hurricane? Thrown into a tree, you were!"

"Yes. I ate that tree like a ton of bricks. Now get out of the storyline."

* * *

Further away in a shopping mall that somehow exists during this era, Tira is dragging Nightmare around as she shops for shoes. "Oh! These shoes are fantastic!"

Nightmare moaned. "Tira. I don't want to be seen by anyone I know!"

Tira turned. She turned from her happy self to her evil self. "You're an evil knight of unlimited power! Why are you acting like fucking pussy!?"

"Wait a minute! You're right!" Nightmare points to Cassandra. "You can't judge me! I'm awesome!"

Cassandra laughed and rolled her eyes. "As if!" Suddenly, an object crashed from the ceiling and landed on Cassandra, killing her.

Diana suddenly appeared. "I don't think this is going to be an easy job for me…" She revived Cassandra.

The object that fell from the ceiling revealed itself to be Algol! He walked towards the Asure Knight. "Nightmare. Good to meet you."

"Who the devil are you?"

"I am Algol. Former carrier of both Soul Calibur and Soul Edge."

Tira turned to Nightmare with a furious look on her face. "What did I say, Nightmare?" Nightmare tried to say something, but she interrupted him. "WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY!?"

"You predicted this, Tira. I know. Fuck off!" Tira wandered off in the store. "What the hell do you want?"

"I want to take your place as awesome villain in the series." Algol smiled. "The writers want me because I am DELICIOUS!"

"So, a rip off of Anakaris from DarkStalkers wants to take my place as villain. Please!"

"I'm not even a mummy!"

"But you're lame, like Anakaris."

Tira peeked over a shelf. "I like Anakaris! He makes good pudding!"

"Shut up, love!" Nightmare looked back towards Algol. "Why don't you do me a favor? Go to the Auntie Annies near here, buy yourself a cinnamon pretzel, and choke on it. It'll do the series a great favor."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Starfox…I mean Nightmare. For you see, my son died because of me."

Nightmare seemed apathetic. "This is my problem how?"

"Because you like men!"

"NO U!" Nightmare pointed Soul Edge towards Algol. "Go to Hot Topik and cut yourself!"

"I hate you!" Algol ran away crying.

"Why is everyone I know a bitch!? Siegfried, Cervantes, Ivy, Astaroth, and now this fucker!"

Tira appeared next to Nightmare. "Okay. Shoe shopping done. Let's go home and have sex."

"YEAH! Another reason I'm better than Algol!"

* * *

Team Up!

Mr. N and Ms. T

Nightmare

Tira

Goal: Defeat Algol, kill people for shits and giggles, have lots of sex.

* * *

"Our goal alone defines how awesome the two of us are!" He held Tira close. "We're like Sylar and Elle from Heroes."

Tira looked away. "Um…..Mr. N."

"What?"

"You never saw last week's episode, did you?"

"No, what of it?"

"Nevermind."


	6. Chapter 5: Rage of the Author

Kilik slowly stood up. "Ugh…my freaking head." Surrounding him was dry land. "Xianghua? Maxi? Where are you guys?"

The wind restlessly blew. One figure stood amongst the desert. The man walked up to Kilik. "It seems that a force greater than my own has placed us all in a story of connecting paths."

"What?" Kilik scratched his head as Zasalamel came closer.

"I am capable of breaking portions of the fourth wall."

"How do you do that?"

"Insider2000. You reek of anus." Zasalamel laughed triumphantly. Suddenly, a massive boulder slammed on top of him. That's Zasalamel he gets for making fun of me. Bastard…

"Anyway… Where were we?"

"I supposed I deserved that." Zasalamel slowly stood up. "So are the two of us the only ones here?"

Kilik looked around. He suddenly noticed Taki sneaking away. "Hey! There's someone else!"

"Damnit!" Taki turned and readied in combat. "I am not joining you clowns!"

The three grouped together. Zasalamel had complete understanding of what was going on. "It seems that the writer wants the three of us to join forces."

Taki nodded in disagreement. "No. Something seems wrong." Taki looked off into the distance. "I don't think Insider would do this to me."

Kilik looked at them both. "What the hell are you two talking about?" The two proceeded to ignore him. "Fine. Ignore me. You know what I say? Fuck Insider!"

Taki and Zasalamel jumped back in horror. Zasalamel covered Kilik's mouth. "Now you've done it."

Taki got on her knees. "Insider. You've always liked me, right?" A thunderstorm suddenly brewed above their heads.

Zasalamel called to the skies. "He knows nothing. Please, do not strike us! I beg of you!" Zasalamel didn't notice a change in the storm. "What torment do you have planned for us?"

In a suddenly flash, the storm vanished. Immediately, Yun-Seong magically appeared next to the three of them. "Whoa! What am I doing here? Are we going to have an adventure together or something?"

Zasalamel stared at Yun-Seong, and then towards the sky. "You bastard!" Zasalamel immediately swung his scythe and chopped of Yun-Seong's head. "YES! YES! DIE, YOU CUR!"

Diana suddenly appeared. "Sorry. Characters can't die."

"What?" Zasalamel mourned as Yun-Seong was brought back to life.

Diana pulled out a massive notebook with the word 'script' on it. "The two of you are now forced to stay with Yun-Seong. Unlike the two of you, Yun-Seong gets benefits because he is a favorite character of the author."

Taki looked towards the script. "Two? There are three of us besides Yun-Seong."

"Taki. Due to the fact that you are Insider's favorite character, you are free from Yun-Seong's torment. You are given a canteen of water, a motorcycle, a toaster, a radio, a generator for the toaster and the radio, and a box of reduced fat brown sugar pop tarts. Enjoy."

Taki noticed the huge pile of prizes. "Well. Later folks."

Kilik reached for Taki. "You're not going to leave us, right?"

"Can't hear you!" Taki turned up the volume of the radio and sang. "She told me to, WALK THIS WAY! Talk this way!" She quickly drove away.

Zasalamel grunted. "Let's get this story over with!"

* * *

Team Up!

Team Main Males

Kilik

Zasalamel

Yun-Seong

Goal: Get the story over with so they can stay away from each other.

* * *

Kilik turned towards Zasalamel. "If you turn into Abyss anytime during this story, I will shove my staff up your ass so hard, you'll find yourself is Tekken!"

Yun-Seong smiled. "Let's go on an adventure guys!"


	7. Chapter 6: It Sucks to be Me

In Yun-Seong's homeland, Seong Mina rushes to Hwang in complete shock. "Hwang! Yun-Seong is gone again!"

Hwang stood up. "Then it is time for the two of us to go after him."

Mina stopped and stared. "Ugh…I don't know about that. I mean…nobody likes you anymore."

"What? Why wouldn't anyone like me?"

Suddenly, Taki pulled over with her motorcycle. "Hey Machio! Nice getting replaced by a Jonas Brother, BITCH!" She drove off laughing.

Hwang looked towards Mina. "Is that what everyone thinks?"

"A little…" Mina shrugs. "Okay, a lot. You had no story development. You were the guy with the attitude problem. You were like a nice version of Mitsurugi."

"But…Mina. We were supposed to get married!"

"Actually, the writers want to pair me up with Yun-Seong. According to my ending, anyway."

"WHAT!? Wasn't he paired with Talim."

Mina rolled her eyes. "That's what the fanboys wanted."

"But…but…what does that leave me?"

"I don't know. I don't care. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a boat to ride." Mina rushed off.

Hwang sat alone. "Why…I don't understand. I fight completely different than that little shit. Why am I always thrown out!?"

Li Long suddenly appears out of nowhere. "Now you know how I feel."

"Shut up!" Hwang ran to his house crying. "I hate everything!"

Luigi from the Mario series suddenly appeared. "Now you know how 'Weegi' feel!"

Mina rushed onto the boat that was waiting for her. "Thanks!"

The boat owner turned her head towards Mina. It was actually Diana. "I hope you don't mind. We have two extra passengers here."

Mina turned towards the two passengers. One was covering herself with an umbrella. The other was keeping himself secret. "Hey… You're Setsuka. Right?"

Setsuka turned around. "Yes. What of it?"

Mina turned towards the man. "And you're Mitsurugi?"

"Yep."

Mina thought for a moment. "Aren't you two rivals?"

Both thought for a second, until Mitsurugi suddenly snapped. "YOU!"

Setsuka pointed towards him. "YOU!"

Mina pointed towards the boat owner. "YOU!"

Diana pointed towards a strange man next to the boat. "YOU!"

The person she pointed to turned out to be Soulja Boy. "YOU!" He proceeded to sing his god awful 'Crank That' song. Suddenly, he was shot with fifty arrows.

Diana looked towards the sky. "You're the boss. Should I revive him or let him die?" Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck Soulja's corpse. "Your answer is clear!" Diana turned towards the other three. "Listen. I'm about to leave you three. All three of you have to work together."

Mitsurugi drew his blade towards her. "WHAT!? Why?"

Diana sighed. "I need you to do me a favor. There is a Star Wars character in this game named 'Apprentice'."

"I thought his name was Starkiller?"

"Not in this game. Star Wars characters are not allowed in this storyline and he is being difficult, so if you find him…KILL HIM!"

Mina pointed to the other two in fear. "What do I do about those two?"

"I don't know. Handle it yourself."

"But I'm supposed to find Yun-Seong!"

"Fuck em'."

Setsuka laughed. "Love to."

Diana laughed. "OH! I need daps for that one!" Diana slammed her fists with Setsuka. "But seriously. If you don't do what I say, there will be a time paradox…and that won't bold well. Some characters might switch genders…some characters might die…Revolver Ocelot won't exist. You know…the important stuff."

Mina pouted in agony. "I can't believe this…FINE! Maybe it'll make my character better!"

"Doubt it…"

"WHAT!?"

"Nothing!" Diana looked at her wrist, which didn't have a watch. "LOOK AT THE TIME! I gotta go set up Talim's team!" Diana suddenly vanished. White feathers were left in her place.

Mina looked towards the other two. "Um…so…team?" Setsuka and Mitsurgi started fighting on the boat. Mina ducked in fear. "I don't want to die!" The two fought relentlessly.

* * *

TEAM UP!

Team Starkiller Killers

Seong Mi-na

Setsuka

Mitsurgi

Goal: Find and kill the Apprentice, Kill Setsuka, Kill Mitsurgi, Pray to God Mina survives.

* * *

Mina cried. "I hate my life!"

"Now you know how 'Weegi' feels!" Luigi was peeking out from the ocean.

"GO TO HELL!" Mina sobbed.


	8. Chapter 7: Lady of the Wind

Talim looked towards the sky. "I sense a great disturbance. And I was going to have such a nice picnic too. I had a tuna sandwich ready and everything." She turned towards her picnic basket. Lizardman was peeking inside of it. "HEY! OUT OF THE BASKET!"

Lizardman froze. He had the tuna sandwich in his hand.

"Drop it! DROP IT!" The sky suddenly turned cloudy. In fear, Lizardman dropped the sandwich into the basket. "There you go. If you want, you can have my pretzels." She sat down and gave a bag of pretzels to Lizardman.

Talim deeply sighed. "I just don't understand. In such a beautiful world, why must evil exist." She stood up and started singing. "Nature is filled with such beautiful things. The sky, the trees, the animals! If the world could just see, the beauty that it holds, we'd all reach a greater peace!"

Birds started fluttering around Talim. Lizardman ate them as she past them. "But…I must remain strong! I must fight for this peaceful land and home!" She pet a deer that she passed by, which was then devoured by Lizardman as well.

"And when, I save the world again! I'll reunite with my dear Yun-Seong. And we'll rejoice together! NOW AND FOREV…"

"Excuse me." Diana appeared.

Talim stopped. "Yes?"

"You're no longer paired with Yun-Seong."

Talim's heart shattered. "Wha-What? But…I…"

"I'm sorry." Diana walked away.

Talim gripped her chest. "I don't understand…" Lizardman sat next to Talim. Suddenly, Voldo came rolling into their location. He sat next to Lizardman. Talim paid no mind to them. "Is it my breasts? Are they too tiny?"

Talim started crying. "Why? Did I not love him enough?" Talim stood in fury. "That is it! I have had it! Ever since Soul Calibur II, I've been so nice to everyone. Apologized as I wiped their faces on the floor with my awesome fighting skills. But NO MORE! I will not be used!"

The sky turned twisted and gray. "I will take matters into my own hands. I will destroy Soul Calibur and Edge! I will eliminate all evil forces! AND I WILL MAKE YUN-SEONG MINE!"

Talim turned towards her new mute friends. "Come! We must change the world."

Voldo turned towards Lizardman. Both shrugged. All three posed.

* * *

TEAM UP!  
Cute, Green, and Smexy.

Talim

Lizardman

Voldo

Goal: Save the world, reunite with Yun-Seong.

* * *

"Stomp humping the air, Voldo! The wind feels the thrust! You're practically raping it!"


	9. Chapter 8: The Soul Girls

A single motorcycle rides across the desert. A female ninja silently devours pop tarts as she rides. "This is the life!" Diana suddenly appeared beside her, and she was keeping up with the speed of the motorcycle. Taki stared in shock. "You…have wings?"

"Yes."

"So….you're bringing me Red Bull?"

"No. I just have wings." Diana held her notebook and checked figures off on it. "Alright. You're gonna meet with your party member in….NOW!"

Taki suddenly ran over something. She jumped off the motorcycle in shock. "OH MY GOD! Please tell me you're Siegfried! That would make my life so much easier!"

Yoshimitsu jumped to his feet. "YOSH!"

Taki moaned. "This freak is my partner."

Diana suddenly exploded with laughter. She leaned to her right, where another man stood. It was Darth Vader, who was laughing with her. Both laughed at Taki's foolishness. Vader stopped laughing. "If only you knew THE POWER of that man!"

Diana stopped laughing. "WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY!? No Stars Wars characters…EVER!!!" She began smacking Vader relentlessly with her notebook.

"OW OW OW! I'm sorry! I'll leave! JUST STOP!" Vader ran away.

Diana snapped her fingers. "Ladies and gentlemen…" A man suddenly appeared next to her. "The Fonz."

"EY!" The Fonz gave his signature pose.

"Yoshimitsu. Kill him."

Yoshimitsu suddenly flashed past the Fonz. A piece of the Fonz's jacket cut open, however, he was not harmed at all. The Fonz turned to Yoshimitsu. "You managed to cut my jacket! Only Gods are capable of doing that!"

Diana snapped her finger and the Fonz vanished. "And now you know his power." Diana suddenly flew away.

"Wait!" Taki called out to Diana. "What are we supposed to do?"

Suddenly, Algol exploded out of the ground. "WAH HA HA!" She grabbed Taki and Yoshimitsu. "I have decided to capture these two for no apparent reason! WAH HA HA HA!"

Taki screamed as she was carried away. "This is bullshit! I thought I was Insider's favorite character!"

Algol laughed. "I will make minions of these two! Together, we will kill Nightmare and Siegfried!"

Taki turned from fear to joy. "I like your style!"

Yoshimitsu sat with his legs crossed despite being in mid-air. "Wasn't your goal to destroy Soul Edge and Soul Calibur?"

Taki turned to Yoshimitsu. "Shut up! Do you want to turn down a chance to kill Siegfried?"

Yoshimitsu shrugged. "I don't care."

"Have you ever heard of Soul Blade?"

"No."

"It was the first chapter of Soul Calibur, before it became Soul Calibur. You see, this is really Soul Calibur 5. However, the very first one was called Soul Blade."

Yoshimitsu tilted his head. "Really?"

"You have much to learn."

* * *

**TEAM UP**

Super Villains

Algol

Taki

Yoshimitsu

Goal: Kill Nightmare, Kill Siegfried

* * *

The two suddenly found themselves in Algol's living room. Taki looked around. "This is…beautiful!"

Algol clapped. "I have minions! YAY! I'm gonna make some cupcakes for you guys!" Algol ran off.

Yoshimitsu looked towards Taki. "We should take this chance to run off."

"No! I want to take this opportunity for revenge." Taki sat on a chair and rested her feet on a table.

"Revenge?"

"You see, Soul Blade was a very strange game compared to our entire series. All of us seemed equally important. Cervantes was the main villain of the game. Nightmare didn't exist…and Siegfried was flamboyant."

"What?"

"You see…Sophitia faced Cervantes, and nearly got her ass kicked. During this time, she wasn't a mother. I saved Sophitia before Cervantes could finish her, and Cervantes then turned to Inferno, a monster created by Soul Edge. I was ready to fight him, until a young boy stood in my way and did that job for me. That was Siegfried." Taki sighed. "We could have ended the series early. We would never have had dozens of games. We wouldn't have had Charade, Link, Spawn, Heihachi…"

"Heihachi? I know him!" Yoshimitsu laughed.

"Yes, I know you're ordeal with Tekken. Fuck off!" Taki continued. "The moron picked Soul Edge up. And now, we have Nightmare." Taki sighed. "And now, we have countless games where we all attempt to reach our goal, and all fail for no reason. However, I'm doing this differently this time. No more Mitsurugi rivalry. No more trying to kill Cervantes. No more aiming to destroy Soul Edge or Soul Calibur. I want Siegfried to die a thousand deaths."

Yoshimitsu blankly stared. "Wow…" He shrugged. "I guess that's it then."

Algol suddenly came back out. "Listen! All villains are joining together in the throne room!"

All three met up in the throne room. There wasn't a throne in the room. Algol turned and his throne appeared from his back. "Isn't that cool?" Taki yawned. "Right…anyway. I've come to introduce you two to our other members."

"Whoa whoa whoa! Other members?"

"Introducing….THE SPI---SOUL GIRLS!"

Sheherazede stepped forward. "I'm Baby Soul! And my annoying voice is gonna rip you to shreds!"

Kamikirimusi followed. "I'm Ginger Soul! I don't know why I'm here. I should really leave."

Angol Fear stepped forward. "I'm Scary Soul, and much like Scary Spice at the beginning of 'If You Want to be My Lover' music video, my nipples can poke your eyes out!"

Taki rubbed her shoulder. "Is it cold in here? It's REALLY cold!"

Shura smiled. "I'm Sporty Soul. My face makes me look like a man."

Yoshimitsu spoke. "Better she say it than me."

Ashlotte stepped out. "I'm Posh Soul. When you need me…Bekham me…I MEAN… beckon me."

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

The Soul Girls

Sheherazede

Kamikirimusi

Angol Fear

Shura

Ashlotte

Goal: Stop right now. Thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch.

* * *

Algol applauded. "Fablous! Let's go watch the Spice Girls movie after this! And, say hello to our assassin: the Apprentice."

Everyone cheered. Taki stared at the Apprentice. "Something doesn't seem right about him."

"What's the matter Taki." Algol walked towards Taki. "Come on… Let's turn that frown…" Algol proceeded to clap rapidly, and then stopped. "UPSIDE-DOWN!" Algol laughed. "You know…like Lionel Kiddie City Toy Store?….No? Oh well."


	10. Chapter 9: BOSS BATTLE 1

Maxi stood up. "Ugh…where am I?"

Maxi looked around and noticed several members of the game surrounding him. There were all in a massive ice like cavern. Cassandra jumped for joy. "Oh my God! This looks just like the cavern Gaia goes to in Captain Planet! ARE WE GOING TO BE THE NEW PLANETEERS!"

"No." Diana stepped out from the darkness. "I need all of you for an important mission."

Maxi looked around. He gasped at the sight of Astaroth. "YOU!"

Astaroth pointed back. "YOU!"

Cassandra shrieked at the sight of Cervantes. "YOU!"

Cervantes pointed back. "YOU!"

Rock pointed towards the ceiling. "YOU!"

Diana called out. "Please! Stop it!"

Xianghua pointed to a horrible zombie. "YOU!"

The zombie was the living corpse of Soulja Boy. "YOU!"

Diana screamed at the top of her lungs. "GOD DAMNIT! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO PREVENT! YOU'RE FIRST MISSION IS TO KILL HIM!"

Maxi looked towards the horrible zombie. "How are we supposed to kill something that is already dead!?"

Cassandra readied her blade. "You have no time to ponder such things, for I have picked up a Smash Ball."

Maxi looked towards Cassandra with a confused look. "What?"

Cassandra charged the zombie. "YOU CAN'T RECOVER!" She proceeded to random slash the zombie at an amazing speed. "TAG OUT!"

Astaroth rushed in. He pounded his fists into the zombie's skull. He laughed after each hit. "GET OUT MY FACE!" Astaroth slammed his axe. "Next!"

Cervantes rushed forward. "KAZAR!" He rapidly slashed through his enemy. He stopped and proceeded to fire bullets. "YEAH! FIFTY CENT WISHES HIS BULLET WOUNDS CAME FROM ME!" He launched him into the air.

Rock suddenly jumped into the air. "WATCH ME FLY!" He slammed him back into the ground. Rock suddenly crashed back into the zombie with a steamroller. Rock screamed out, "WRRRRY!" and leaped out of the way with the steamroller.

Maxi rush towards the zombie and punched it multiple times in the face, until an announcer screamed, "C-C-C-Comber breaker!"

Maxi continued to punch. "Xianghua!" Xianghua sped past Maxi and performed an uppercut. A strange man peeked his head out and screamed, "TOASTY!"

Cervantes gawked. "It's amazing. We're kicking ass using techniques that exist in OTHER fighting games."

Xianghua wiped the sweat from her forehead. "But he's still alive! How!?" Xianghua pulled a whistle from her pocket. "Time for some assistance." She blew on the whistle.

Suddenly, Iron Man, Gambit, and Morrigan from Marvel vs Capcom 2 fell from the ceiling. Xianghua screamed dramatically. **"TRIPLE COMBO FINISH!"**

"Photon Cannon!"

"Royal Flush!"

"Soul Eraser!"

**"INFINITY!"**

The entire room glowed brightly, as the zombie was torn to pieces. A loud voice echoed in the room. "KO! You Win!" The three fighters suddenly vanished. Xianghua cheered with a smile on her face, as the announcer continued to speak. "Whoa! I almost had a heart attack there!"

The crew turned to Diana. Diana was horrified. "How the hell did you do that?"

Xianghua spoke up. "The combos we each performed, or my summoning of the greatest fighting game on Earth?"

Maxi elbowed her. "It's not the greatest fighting game on Earth! It's too unbalanced!"

"Maxi…name one game that is perfectly balanced." Xianghua waited for an answer. "Then do me a favor, and suck it."

Diana shrugged. "Alright. Well, I guess that means Soulja Boy is finally dead."

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Soulja Boy

Death

Goal: Why hasn't this happened yet?

* * *

Diana scratched her head. "Was that really necessary, Insider? Half of society already hates him."

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Diana

Soulja Boy

Goal: Shut up Diana!

* * *

"Okay! Fine! I'll let you have your fun. Get off my case!" Diana smiled. "Ignore the past two team ups."


	11. Chapter 10: The Others

Xianghua sat on the floor. "So, why ARE we here?"

Diana sighed. "I know two of you are villains, and the other four are good guys….actually…three of you. I don't know what Rock counts as…"

"BOOOOOONGO!"

"Riiiight." Diana continued. "There is a new foe against us. Perhaps you've heard of Algol?" The room stayed silent. "Didn't think so. You see, we need to remove Algol entirely. He's effecting the storyline far too much, and we need you to…"

"Kill him?" Cassandra stood up.

"HA! No. You six are far too useless for that. I'm assigning all of you to face his guards, the Soul Girls."

Maxi raised his hand. "You mean, the mangaka created characters?"

"Precisely. Two of them, I have things taken care of. I need the six of you to split into three groups."

Cassandra grabbed Xianghua's arm. "OH! OH! Me and this chick. Girls only!"

"Sorry, I've selected the groups for you." Diana pulled out a large sheet of paper.

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Team A  
Maxi

Cervantes

Goal: Find Shura, kick her ass, make sure she lives.

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Team B

Rock

Cassandra

Goal: Find Sh…She…HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL HER NAME!? Sheherazede! That's it! Jesus…could we come up with worse names? Anyway….find her, shut her up, find a way to make her LESS annoying.

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Team C

Xianghua

Astaroth

Goal: Find Ashlotte

* * *

Diana looked towards everyone. Cassandra and Rock looked towards each other. Both shrugged and didn't really care. Cervantes looked towards Maxi, cringed, but accepted him. "You seem to be taking it well."

"NO!" Astaroth slammed on the floor and threw a tantrum. "I don't want to be with this puny human!" Astaroth mourned. "Nobody is in as bad as a mood as I am."

* * *

Several hundred miles away.

A stranger notices Talim traveling with Voldo and Lizardman. He confronts her. "Excuse me. I was wondering where I could find a bathroom."

"GO CHOKE ON A DICK!" Talim past by him.

"WOW! RUDE!"

* * *

Diana stomped her feet. "Shut up! You will accept your partner! You don't have a damn choice! If the six of you were better characters, maybe you wouldn't be here right now!"

Maxi raised his hand. "But I'm usually with Kilik."

"He's with Yun Seong right now…Do you REALLY want to be there?"

Maxi gasped. "God help his soul!"

"Look. I don't care about any of your situations." Diana suddenly stopped speaking. She cringed as she realized that she had just spoken the words of the Apprentice. "Never saying that again… Anyway. Do as I say, and you will be greatly rewarded."

Cassandra gasped. "Sophitia being less popular than me!"

Cervantes smiled with glee, which seemed quite disturbing. "I get Soul Edge back!"

Astaroth cut in. "I get to kill everyone!?"

Diana rubbed her finger in her ear and shot a piece of wax across the room. "Yeah…sure…whatever. I'll teleport you all out of here." Suddenly, everyone vanished from the room. Diana stretched. "Ah! Finally, I get to take a break." She sat in front of a massive television and clicked it on. "Time for some Azumanga Daioh!"


	12. Chapter 11: The Bishie Lover Forest

Siegfried and company stopped in front of a fork in the road. A sign stood next to each path. Siegfried stared at them both. He looked towards the right, "Bishie Lover Forest." He then turned towards the left, "Loli Lover Forest." He thought for a minute. "I think Raphael and I should go right. Hilde and Amy go left. The servants just randomly teleport next to us when we reach the other side."

Raphael laughed. "Yes. My servants love to disappear and reappear. They vanish like characters in Final Fantasy."

* * *

Cloud nodded. "Alright. Tifa and Barret will travel with me." Suddenly, Tifa and Barret vanished. Cloud stands alone in a massive field. "What the Hell!? Where did everybody go!?"

He makes a sudden step, and a random encounter takes place. "Whoa! Barret! Tifa! You're both back!" Both were beside him.

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Cloud. The game does that so the player only sees you when running around. That way, the player controls one person."

Cloud laughed. "You're right! Controlling one person and having two people follow would be stupid!"

Squall from Final Fantasy 8 appeared. "Fuck you, Cloud! FUCK YOU!"

* * *

Hilde thought for a second. "Um..maybe Amy and I should go to the Bishie Lover Forest. You guys go to the Loli Lover Forest."

Siegfried turned to Hilde. "Wait. How could I be so foolish!? We can't leave the girls alone. I'll go with Hilde to the Bishie Lover Forest. Raphael, take your daughter to the Loli Lover Forest."

Raphael laughed. "Sounds like a fine plan. Right Amy." Amy stood silent. A fly buzzed around her, and she showed little reaction to it. "RIGHT!"

Hilde shrugged. "Well…this will be interesting." Hilde followed Siegfried into the forest.

Raphael marched forward. "Come Amy! The world awaits!" He stopped, and noticed a sign.

_**'Shortcut: Through the Pedophile Forest'**_

"OH! A shortcut! Let's go!" Raphael grabbed Amy by the hand.

* * *

Siegfried and Hilde walked through the forest. It was gorgeous. The trees were pink and purple. Adorable animals bounced left to right. Siegfried smiled. "This place is pretty nice. Too bad I hate my life."

Hilde rolled her eyes. "Just try not to cut yourself with Soul Calibur." Suddenly, the trees began to shake. "Great…it's the Bishie Lovers."

Siegfried turned to Hilde. "What's a Bishie Lover?"

The animals fled, as a chant began echoing the forest. "Desu…Desu….Desu…."

Siegfried turned around. "What the hell is that!?"

"Desu…..Desu…..Desu….."

"What's going on!?"

"DESU…..DESU……." The sound suddenly stopped. Hilde sat on a nearby giant toadstool. Suddenly, thousands of girls leaped from the trees and glomped Siegfried. "DESU 3!!"

"OH MY GOD!" The woman piled on top of him. "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

Hilde laughed. "Should have listened to me."

"Hilde! Help me! What if they try to insert anything into my unmentionables!? I don't know how I'll be able to handle it."

"Siegfried…They're women. They don't have penises."

A random girl stood up from the crowd. Her voice was very manly. "I have a penis!"

"Well. Then you're screwed Siegfried."

"Please Hilde! Help me!"

Hilde sighed. "Fine!" She stood up. "LOOK! It's Sephiroth!" All the girls stopped.

One spoke up. "Shut up! Sephiroth isn't here!"

Hilde pointed. "Then who is that?"

The girls all turned and noticed Sephiroth hidden in the forest. "You bitch! You called me out!" Suddenly, the woman all jumped him. "GAH! I can't breathe!"

Hilde grabbed Siegfried by the arm. "Run, fool!"


	13. Chapter 12: Beware, the Pedo

Raphael smiled as he walked through Pedophile Forest. "Ah! This is such a nice nature walk. Isn't it?" Raphael turned towards Amy, but she wasn't behind him. "Amy? Where are you?" Raphael backtracked the path he was following. He found Amy a few feet back. Thousands of men lay dead on the floor, all with rapier wounds. Amy stood in the dead center of them, covered in their blood. She showed no emotion. "Amy? You killed an entire army without me?"

"They were trying to touch me…"

Raphael embraced his daughter. "And who has the right to touch you. Only me, and my embrace for my loving daughter."

"That's not how they were trying to touch me…"

Raphael suddenly noticed a small animal walking towards them. "Amy! Look! It's a small bear cub."

The bear looked towards Amy. "COME TO PEDO BEAR!" It jumped Amy.

Amy immediately cut him in half with a single strike. "I don't like this place." She cringed with fury. "Let's leave."

"Right Amy! Let's move forward. SCREW SIEGFRIED AND HILDE! They can go fuck each other! Let's go rule the world!"

* * *

**TEAM UP!**

Like father, like daughter.

Raphael

Amy

Servants

Goal: Rule the world

* * *

Raphael suddenly farted. "Servants! Take the blame for my fart!"

His servants magically appeared around him. Auguste grunted. "I'm sorry. I had to fart really badly."

"It's quite alright. You're a disgusting pig Auguste. But that's why I like you!" Raphael snapped his fingers. "Let's move on!"

August spoke up. "Sir. I believe we have the shortest chapter in this series..."

"Who cares!? We're important!"


	14. Chapter 13: With LESS Lion Sex

Siegfried and Hilde found themselves lost in a strange oasis. And no, they weren't lost in a band filled with men with unabrows. Siegfried read a nearby sign. "Pairing Fans Forest. Pairings?"

Hilde suddenly tripped. Siegfried caught her. "Ow! Thanks."

Siegfried nodded. "It's no problem."

Hilde suddenly felt an urge. "I don't feel so well."

"Need to sit down?" Siegfried looked into her eyes. Suddenly, a voice heard from afar started to sing.

* * *

_So many things she doesn't know,  
But how to make her see.  
The truth about my past? She'd slaughter me.  
She'd kill me where I stand._

* * *

Hilde stared back. She started to blush.

* * *

_He's hiding something secret  
But what, I don't care.  
Why won't he kiss me right here, right now  
I'm dying for his love!_

* * *

The two immediately pressed lips and fell together on the ground. They rolled down a hill and into a field of flowers, where they continued to kiss. Fans hiding the bushes began singing together.

* * *

_Can you taste the love today?  
The taste the morning brings  
This game, for once, having romance  
Kilik and Xianghua don't count!_

* * *

The two continued further as the people hiding in the bushes sang louder.

_

* * *

_

CAN YOU TASTE THE LOVE TODAY?

_NO NEED TO LOOK TOO FAR!_

_AFTER THAT HORRENDOUS EXPERIENCE,_

_LOVE IS WHAT THEIR DOING!_

* * *

Both suddenly stopped. Siegfried laughed. "You do realize we're doing this because the fans who want us together are causing us to like each other."

Hilde smiled. "I don't care. We're perfect for each other."

Suddenly, the fans all suddenly screamed. "YAY!"

Siegfried brushed his hands through her hair. "We're like Sonic the Hedgehog and Amy Rose."

Sonic and Amy pairing fans suddenly screamed out. "YAY!"

Hilde followed through. "We're like Mario and Peach."

Several fans suddenly shouted. "YAY!"

Siegfried smiled. "We're like **Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnel**."

The entire forest shouted with, "YA~…**what**?" A few people followed on with their cheering, though. And one person screamed, "I LOVE THEIR TIGHT ASSES!" After the person said that, people stood up from the bushes. They were all horrified and walked away holding their head like their mind was burning. Siegfried and Hilde were left alone.

The two stood up. Siegfried sighed. "Alright. Let's go find Nightmare."

Hilde nodded. "Right." She started laughing. "You know what would be funny. If suddenly you magically turned out to be Nightmare! HA HA! That would be hilarious!"

Siegfried felt a tinge of horror in his soul. "HA HA! Yeah…that would be a riot!" Siegfried fake laughed as hard as he could. "Uh…let's get going."


	15. Chapter 14: Odd Unity

Nightmare was tied to the bed, as Tira stood over him. "The safety word is peanut butter." She snapped the whip on the floor. Suddenly, the doorbell interrupted them. "Damnit! Nightmare, untie yourself while I handle this."

Tira walked towars the front door. She adjusted the leather outfit she was wearing so that her breasts could have some air. She opened the door. "WHADDOYA WANT!?"

Talim stood with Voldo and Lizardman. "I need to speak with Nightmare."

"Well if it isn't 'Wind Girl'. Still talking to the wind like an imaginary friend?"

Talim suddenly punched Tira in the gut. "Shut up!" She held her arm out as if she were putting her arms on someone's shoulder. However, no one was there. "It's okay, Wind. I know you're still shocked about what Voldo did to you. When you want to talk about it, I'm here." She waited as the wind responded. "Okay. Thanks. I'll deal with my Yun-Seong problem first. You're such a good friend."

Tira looked towards Voldo. "Don't you work for me?"

Talim shouted. "He works for me now! Bring me Nightmare."

Nightmare suddenly walked towards the front door. "Is it the pizza guy? I seriously want to try what we had planned. Eating pizza while having sex!" He noticed Talim. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Talim stepped in. "I'm now a bad guy. So, I'm joining you."

Nightmare laughed. "Absolutely not." Talim suddenly froze. Her eyes slowly turned pitch black, as a massive hurricane appeared above their house. Immediately, the hurricane lifted Nightmare, Tira, Voldo, Lizardman, and the house into the air. Nightmare called out, "We can talk about this!"

Voldo floated past a massive sex toy, which he proceeded to grab and hug like a rag doll. Tira called out, "No! Don't touch that…UGH! I'm gonna have to burn that thing!"

Lizardman held onto Nightmare in fear. "Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!"

Tira sat politely while flying in mid-air. "Honestly, this stupid little tart is pissing me off. What does this little shit think she can do to me?" Suddenly, a massive tree slammed into her. "THAT FUCKING…" A boulder crashed into her, interrupting her.

Nightmare called out. "Aright! You can join us!"

The hurricane stopped. Everything fell back to the ground. Talim nodded. "Good. However, this isn't a team up. I just need your help."

Nightmare nodded. "What do you want?"

Talim held out three fingers. "I need three things from you. First, I need you to kill Seong Mina."

Tira shrugged. "I-I guess we can do that."

"Second, I need you to bring me Yun Seong, alive!"

Nightmare nodded. "Okay, what else?"

"Lastly, I want some pizza."

Nightmare and Tira stood dumbfounded. "That's it?" Both looked at each other. "Okay! Welcome to the crew!"

Talim smiled. "Good." She stepped in. "If you want, I can pay for the pizza."

Tira laughed. "Foolish girl. I can't blame you. You've just become a villain. We don't pay for the pizza, we kill the pizza boy!" Both laughed.

Talim nodded. "I never would have thought!"

Nightmare directed Talim to a TV screen. "Let me show you something!"

The TV screen turned on. A man with a bowl cut and sunglasses appeared. "How can I help you King DeDeDe?"

Nightmare responded. "I need a monster to clobber that….WAIT! Get out!" Nightmare changed the channel. "Watch. We are able to witness what everyone is doing?"

The TV screen showed Seung Mina, with Mitsurugi and Setsuka fighting behind her. Talim watched. "This vaguely reminds me of Spaceballs."


	16. Chapter 15: We're Back!

Back with Seung Mina on her boat, she turned towards Mitsurugi and Setsuka. "STOP FIGHTING!"

The two stopped. "What do you want?"

"Don't you two get it? Your rivalry is pointless!"

Setsuka stomped her feet. "What are you talking about? He killed my master…who was also my lover."

"But that story is pointless Setsuka! You've only been in two games, and you've proved to be unimportant. I mean, you only exist to foil Mitsurugi! We need to fight the greater evil that is Nightmare!"

Mitsurugi scratched his beard. "Since when did you care about Nightmare? I thought you were trying to get Yun Seong back."

"That's just the problem. I've been doing the same thing for the past three games. I've been doing nothing but following that little shit around!" Mina stood up. "It's about time I actually did something useful with this storyline! I've been in this series ever since Soul Blade, and I'm still as unimportant as ever!"

Mitsurugi sat with his legs crossed. "What do you intend to do?"

"I'm going to destroy Soul Edge, Soul Calibur, and every enemy in my path! And you two are going to help me!"

Setsuka sighed. "Look, it was fun sailing with you, but neither of us are willing to do it. Mitsurugi and I are rival characters. We can't team up."

Mina turned towards the two. "Then you'll make up your amends….right now!"

Mitsurugi laughed. "Right, how are we going to do that?"

Mina grabbed Mitsurugi's and Setsuka's heads, and forced them to stare at each other. "Now! Apologize to each other."

Both cried out, "No!"

"Say it, or I'll throw you off this boat!"

Mitsurugi cringed as he spoke. "I'm….sorry."

"I'm….sorry, too."

Mina let them go. "See? Aren't things better when we make amends and actually aim towards a common goal?" Mina look towards the two. She noticed that they were still staring into each other's eyes and completely ignoring what she just said. "Guys?"

Setsuka jumped Mitsurugi and proceeded to make love with him. Mina jumped back. "WHOA! I didn't…wait…I….." Mina then sat on the other side of the boat. "Okay. Let me know when you guys are finished. We have a new quest to follow."

Suddenly, Diana appeared near Mina. "Hey, bitch."

"Diana? Where have you been? You haven't appear for several episodes."

"We haven't had an episode for nearly a year…."

"SHUT UP! The viewers might not know that!"

Diana sighed. "Whatever. Listen, you can take part in….fighting Nightmare and whatever….you just HAVE to kill the Apprentice. That's it."

"I know, you told us this."

"Silence! It's been OVER a year since the three of you have had ANY importance! Suck it up!"


	17. Chapter 16: Seaking! Fuck Yeah!

Yun Seong sang happily as Kilik and Zasalamel followed. They've been trapped in the desert for quite a while now.

"Adventure, we will go! Adventure we will go!" Yun danced with glee throughout the desert. "HEY! I see a forest!"

Kilik stared in confusion. "Oh, thank God!" He turned towards Zasalamel. "How have you been holding up?"

Zasalamel is walking with his scythe pierced through his ears. "Can't hear you. Trying to drain out the insanity."

"Bishie….Lovers….Forest…." Yun-Seong scratched his head with confusion. "What does that mean?"

"We've caught you at last!" Suddenly, an army of girls attack Kilik and Yun-Seong. Ivy stands triumphant on a tree. "Fools! We've finally caught you!"

Sophitia, who's dressed in black and is a brunette for some reason, stood on another tree. "Finally. Our evil plan will be a success. We may have failed to capture Siegfried, but we've captured you two!"

Zasalamel stood, no one touching him. "Um……what about me?"

Ivy traced her blade with her finger. "You are widely respected, and are free to go."

"You mean…." Zasalamel removed the scythe from his head. "I'm free from the torment of these two?"

"Yes."

* * *

**TEAM UP!  
Team FUCK YEAH!.**

**Zasalamel**

**Goal: The natural order of Zasalamel being alone has been restored! Commence happiness!**

* * *

"Excuse me! I have to go scream and yell my remaining insanity out so that I can enjoy my moments of solitary…." Zasalamel takes a deep breath. "…before the final battle takes place eventually."

"Enjoy." Ivy waved him off. Zasalamel left laughing happily. "As for you two, take them to our base which is conveniently located close to where the final battle will take place!"

"How convenient!" Yun Seong laughed, until being knocked out.


	18. Chapter 17: Oscar Nominated Episode

In Ivy and Sophitia's evil realm, Yun-Seong and Kilik sat in the prison cells. Kilik rested on the floor. "My God! Those two have so much energy! How do they never get tired?"

Yun looked out the cell barred window. He sighed as he spoke out loud. "I miss her…"

"Who? Mina?"

"No…..Talim…."

"What?"

Yun shouted. "Silence, Kilik! It's time for some fan service!"

* * *

Many miles away, Nightmare, Tira, Talim, Voldo, and Lizardman all sat beside a fire. The only ones awake were Talim and Tira. Tira spoke happily to Talim. "I love Mistah N. But I don't know if he loves me back."

"I believe he does." Talim smiled. "I have someone who loves me, and I will reunite with him."

* * *

Even further, Cervantes had temporarily separated with Maxi. He looked into the moon, and saw a vision of his beloved swords, the Soul Edge. "I miss you so much."

* * *

Back with Yun Seong, he starts singing.

* * *

**_Somewhere, out there!_**

**_Inside this NAMCO game._**

**_Someone wants to see me,_**

**_And hold me close….tonight._**

* * *

Talim sings from where she is.

* * *

**_Somewhere, out there!_**

**_Someone's saying my name._**

**_And we'll find one another,_**

**_In this fighting game, out there!_**

**_And even though this is supposed to be the last game,_**

**_It helps to think we might be fighting for our love regained._**

* * *

Cervantes begins sing, which he strangely sings a lot like Tevin Campbell.

* * *

**_And when I stare at the moon pointlessly at every night,_**

**_It helps to think I'll have another chance to see your 'eye'!_**

* * *

_**All:**_

**_Somewhere, out there!_**

**_If Namco can see us through,_**

**_Cervantes:_**

**_(If Namco can see us through!!!)_**

**_All:_**

**_Then we'll be together!_**

**_Somewhere out there._**

**_Out where dreams._**

**_Come true…._**

* * *

Yun Seong sobbed quietly in his cell. "I hate being my character. I'm just the useless Anime kid with too much optimism and little intelligence!"

_Believe it!_

Yun Seong stood up, and with a single punch, he punched the door off his cell. "Kilik! Get up! We're getting out of here!"


	19. Chapter 18: Prepare the Boss Battles!

Algol clapped his hands. "Assassin!" Apprenctice rushed up towards Algol.

"Considering the fact that this story is making you out to be a pointless villain, I want you and Taki to go find Seung Mina and kill her."

The Apprentice raised his eyebrow. "Why Mina?"

"It will make the plot move faster!" Algol laughed. "Fosfosfosfosfos! I'm so deliciously evil!"

He clapped his hands loudly. "Soul Girls! Assemble!" The five mangaka generated girls appeared before Algol. "Alright. Ashlotte, I want you to go to Ivy and Sohpitia's secret lair. There, I want you to kill everyone you see. Don't leave any survivors!"

Ashlotte vanished in an instant, without saying a word.

"Shura, guard the entrance to the entrance to my spa. I don't want anyone touching my bubbler!"

"Aye!"

"Angol Fear. I demand that you face Zasalamel, alone."

"If I can destroy galaxies, I can destroy him." She flew away.

"Kami! My dreaded foe, Nightmare, is on his way here. Kill him and anyone along with him."

Kamikirimusi rushed off instantly.

"She-what's-your-face. Annoying girl with sword. Kill Siegfried for me."

Sheherazede shouted. "Okay then!" Everyone cringed as she rushed off.

"That child's voice! She needs to be stabbed in the throat!" Algol sat happily. "And finally, Yoshimitsu! Fetch me some cupcakes!"

Yoshimitsu stepped out with an apron tied to his waist. "This is humiliating."

* * *

Yoshimitsu stepped back into the kitchen. "Alright. Two eggs…..where is my bowl?"

"Excuse me, sir…"

"AGH! What the fuck? Who are you?"

Raphael bowed kindly. "By daughter and I are starving, so would you care if we devoured everything in your pantry?….And then killing the lord of this tower?"

"Go ahead." Yoshimitsu tossed his apron. "I'm tired of working for this douche!"

Raphael smiled. "This is my daughter, Amy. If you help us, I'll spare your life for when I take over the world."


End file.
